Saturday, September 06, 2008
Silent Cries

Have you ever had those moments when you feel so sad and lonely that you can't seem to shake off that feeling?

Have you ever felt like the people you care the most are slowly slipping away... slowly being taken away from you without actually losing them? It's like they're there... but not really.

Have you ever come to the point when you realize that you're left on your own to try to figure things out, to get a grip and try not to break down in public?

Have you ever felt so lost, wandering, confused, scared, and for the first time in such a looong time... the realization that you hardly know yourself anymore?

Have You ever felt what it's like to be human? Desperate? Needy? Wounded? Tormented by questions whose answers you know you can never fully comprehend?

I'm sorry... I seem to forget at times that You do. You were once like us, a mortal in anguish... suffering and even tempted, yet never sinned. Yet You knew the answers. You knew what You had to do. And You did it.

Lord, I'm sure You know what You were doing when You continue to mold me to be who I am right now despite how proud and stubborn I am. You still chose me, unworthy I may be, to be Your child and follower...

I'm all messed up inside. I don't think I'm strong enough.
Sigh. Please don't ever give up on me?

I need You now more than ever...

Posted by gracealone at 02:26 am
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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang on
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes


how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

*      *      *

Hahaha... how stupid alright.
Tongue thank God there's still a chance to look back... and learn. and hopefully, not commit the same "mistake" again.

Posted by gracealone at 03:16 pm
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Wednesday, July 02, 2008

MY GOODNESS!!! Phew… at least I finally got that one out of my system. Obviously, this film is not for the faint-hearted. Seriously. Take my advice… if you're like a medical student or in a health-allied course or field and you happened to be lured to this film because of its, shall I say, "inviting" (not to mention "misleading") title then don't say I didn't warn you!

This film is definitely not for everyone's consumption. It should be like Rated R+++ or something. I mean… it's not the usual sex-and-violence kind of film. This one's got a real plot which would really leave an impression or compel you to dig deep into your grey matter or even pull you out of your comfortable state. It's not something that you would watch to unwind.

Or perhaps it's just me… some people could be so desensitized already to the point that they won't be affected by most of the scenes that I'm referring to. Hey, I wouldn't want myself to get desensitized. The movie portrays how evil the nature of man truly is. It depicts his fallen nature which so easily gives in to its carnal desires and cravings. I think any person who watches the movie without cringing or at least batting an eyelash is no longer human. Or is at least so numb to the point that he loses the propensity to react to such… sadistic or inhuman acts.

I know I'm just ranting or raving like some deranged viewer but the movie evoked such emotion in me that I couldn't help but blog about it. I really need to just get it out of my system. It's like some sort of a therapy for me. After the initial shock comes this. Haha. Okay, perhaps I need to get a grip now.

Anyway, I'm not going to spoil the "fun" of some aspiring viewers by revealing important details and every peculiar stuff that I've seen in the movie including the really disturbing ones. But just to give you a heads up, the film is some sort of a thriller with medical bits here and there and yes, the main characters are pathologists. So expect lots and lots of scenes with corpses or dead bodies. Incidentally though, the leading character was portrayed by the actor from Heroes' Peter Petrelli... looking good as ever.

Of course, there's a little bit of love story interspersed in the plot but that's beside the point. It's still gory and there's action and a lot of blood minus the usual weapon such as guns and the like. Also, it's not your usual case of psycho killers because as much as I hate to admit it, the acts done were the meticulously planned and borderline genius. Knowledge is indeed scary when it falls into the wrong hands.

So much for "watching a movie to unwind". Sheesh! Now I need to watch another movie to "unwind" from this movie. Haha! Seriously, if you plan to watch it or have already seen it… please, just make sure it doesn't change your outlook on doctors. They are still human after all, subject to temptations and this movie ought to remind us that man is indeed evil by nature. I believe man can never get out of his evil system unless he is redeemed by someone whose nature is exactly the opposite: good, pleasing and perfect.

If you want to challenge it or talk about it, I am open to a friendly discussion. Thanks for "hearing me out"! Wink

Posted by gracealone at 01:44 am
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Sunday, June 29, 2008
After the Storm

Nature has its way of bringing people to their knees, strengthening one's faith and making believers out of atheists. Or it could be the other way around… making atheists out of believers. One thing for sure, it does humble human arrogance and makes one realize his or her own limitations in the face of natural calamity.

I'm saying "nature" just for the sake of being explicit about what I am referring to right now… typhoon Frank. Eight days ago, Iloilo City was caught off guard, not knowing what hit it until flashfloods came and filled the streets with water. Then of course, there's the apparent power shortage in the entire city. Except for the fortunate few who had generator, most of were deprived of the luxury of being able to use our cell phones, computers, and of course, there was no light. For most of us medical students who were worried about not being able to study for our Monday exam, we sought refuge in McDonald's where there's light and food readily available if we've got money.

I admit, we complained and whined about the tons of readings we still need to finish, not being able to text people or have hassle-free trips to some place else. Some were even about the discomfort felt since there was no electric fan or air condition. While other people worried about their things being carried away by the current, not having any clothes to wear or even having a place to stay, we selfishly worried about our own… "luxuries".

I'd like to call it "luxuries" because that's exactly what it was during that time. The effect that typhoon Frank had on a lot of the residents here was devastating, to say the least. Mother Nature didn't choose- both young and old, rich or poor, male or female… all were affected. No one was spared.

Sigh. No one was spared indeed. Even though I was fortunate enough not to experience being flooded in my room and frantically making sure my books didn't get wet, I still had to walk through murky water in order to go to some place else like McDonald's. I wasn't spared from the brownout. And most importantly, I definitely wasn't spared from the feeling of helplessness when faced against the so-called "Wrath of Nature".

That brief encounter with typhoon Frank made me realize how blessed I am in so many ways. Before I used to complain about how far my boarding house is from school or the hospital and how I have to walk like at least 10-15 minutes in order to get there. I told myself and some of my friends that I would like to move out and look for a new boarding house. But after the storm, I felt so fortunate not to even have to worry about being flooded in. Even if my room is located in the first floor, water didn't flow inside and I didn't have to worry about putting my things in a safe place where it won’t get wet.

Another thing I used to complain about is the water from the shower and faucet. I used to say it's quite dirty and how I have to put some sort of a strainer to filter out very minute grains or sediments that came with the water. But after the storm, I now appreciate the water supply in my boarding house more than ever. While some had to worry about having to store ample supply of water and go through lengths of making igib, I need not concern myself about any of those things.

Funny how a disaster could make someone appreciate the things one used to dislike or complain about.

Yet what I've said so far isn't really the main point of this entry. The main point answers this question: what is the most important lesson I've learned during the storm? Is it contentment or appreciation of things I used to dislike? Is it humility? Is it even faith? I sure learned a lot but which is the most important lesson of them all?

The answer isn't something that hit me immediately during the storm. Actually, I only realized this after witnessing firsthand the aftermath. The storm did humble me in so many ways but more importantly, it taught me to praise God amidst the storm. After all, my ultimate purpose is to glorify God in all things. That is the most important lesson that I should never forget.

That's why last Sunday, I woke up when the sun was just rising so I can go home early. I slept in Ria's room since I couldn't go home the night before from McDonald's due to the very bad weather plus the fact that it was no longer safe to walk in the dark and flooded street where my boarding house is located.  Mind you, I did wade across muddy water on my way to my boarding house the morning after. And I couldn't help but think of the diseases I might get, mainly Leptospirosis infection. Ugh! Call me maarte but it doesn't help to know about how you could get this disease at times for it brings to mind the effects of contracting one. Haaay… sometimes I get so paranoid and being a med student turns me into a hypochondriac.

Anyway, as I wade through the dirty water… I realized how dirty I am. So when I arrived in my room, I immediately took a long, thorough bath trying to cleanse myself from all the dirt and germs that I might have gotten when I waded across the water. Then I washed my feet with alcohol just to be sure. After putting on clean clothes, I prepared to worship God in silence. It's quite ironic coz I was so keen in cleansing my outward self that I failed to realize that it is my inward self that needs more cleansing and purifying.

So as I sat there with eyes closed and as I started to talk to God without actually uttering a word, I felt it… felt my unworthiness, my insignificance, how tiny and powerless I am, and my constant need for my Savior and my Lord, The Creator of all things.

I bowed my head in humility at the One who holds the entire universe in place yet still has the time for someone so small, so dirty, so fallen a creature as I am. In the midst of the storm, I marveled at our own limitations, us proud human beings who were given dominion over all creatures and as stewards of the earth, in contrast to God's limitless power bringing to mind Jesus' ability to calm the storm with His mere words.

Sigh. We did a poor job in stewardship so we face the terrible consequences. :( Thank God for His omniscience, thus not giving us humans the power to control nature. Otherwise, like what Pastor Girao said in his sermon, we would end up destroying each other and perhaps wiping out the entire human race. Even with our limited authority, we already make a mess out of our lives and the place we live in… how much more if we can wield power beyond our imaginations. I'm sure we would be unable to control it.

O Lord, You knew us humans well enough when You withheld the ability to control nature after the Fall. And for that, I thank You. And I praise You for You alone are God and You remain as One despite my unfaithfulness. No matter what happens Lord, I pray that You always instill in me the desire and longing to glorify You above all things. And also to remind me of my place, just a mere creature yet one so precious in Your sight that You send Your only Son, Jesus Christ, to die for me so I can be with You someday. I thank You, my Heavenly Father. May You be glorified in all things! Amen 

Posted by gracealone at 10:45 pm
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Sunday, June 08, 2008
In the silence...

Funny how the best words our mind could ever come up with are never enough to express the deepest cries of the heart.

I used to vent out a lot to relieve some of my bottled up sentiments or pent-up emotions. I used to think it's some sort of a pathological need to do so. Being a sanguine, it's not really surprising.

Yet now, I would rather find a solitary place to ponder on things and be silent.

To be still...

Oh LORD... In the silence, You are speaking...

Posted by gracealone at 09:18 pm
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Thursday, February 28, 2008

"I am spinning counterclockwise...
    each turn robs the planet of angular momentum...
                        slowing the planet's spin the tiniest bit...
                                                        lengthening the night...
                                                           pushing back the dawn...
                                                               giving me a little more time here...


Posted by gracealone at 10:00 pm
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Friday, February 22, 2008
Praise You In This Storm

"Praise You In This Storm"
(Casting Crowns)

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Posted by gracealone at 09:46 pm
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Thursday, February 14, 2008
Singles Awareness Day

Posted by gracealone at 07:21 pm
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Sunday, February 10, 2008
do you know?

"Do you know when to walk away? Do you know when not to take less than you deserve?"

-Jane Burke (Grey's Anatomy)

sigh. this is something they should've taught us way back in kindergarten...

Posted by gracealone at 10:53 am
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Saturday, February 09, 2008
i have a Maker

He knows my name...
    He knows my every thought,
He sees each tear that falls
    and hears me when i call...

Posted by gracealone at 02:48 am
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"Wherever the art of medicine is loved,
there is also a love of humanity."


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Who Am I

1. Have you come to the place in your thinking where you know for sure if you died today in an accident, you will go to heaven?

2. If you died today in an accident and stood before God and He said to you, "Why should I let you into my heaven?", what would you say?

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